Letting Go

I feel sad and depleted.

But it’s not an empty sad.

It’s not a devastating sad.

It’s the sad of having loved well.

The sad of loving two more people in this world.

The sad of knowing,

how they sleep breathe and knowing that now

another mom,

will figure out when they are asleep enough

to lay them in their beds without waking them.

The sad of remembering

peels of giggles,

as his sister made him laugh

in the backseat of the car.

The sad of seeing him run to me

down the school hallway

at the end of the day, because he missed me.

The sad of wiping her tears

as she cried for her mom,

night after night.

The sad of knowing that I came to love them

and now it’s time to say goodbye.

It’s not my turn to protect them anymore.

It was my turn.

Now it is another’s.

I open my hands to set them free.

I let go of them because they were never mine.

But my arms remember how it felt to enfold them into my lap.

My arms ache without their weight.

It’s a good sad.

The kind I willingly subject myself too.

Because God’s comfort comes to those who mourn.

It’s the kind of sad that shows me my heart

is still needing to stretch and grow,

past myself.

Thank you Father.

For making the sad

into something beautiful

inside of me.

Please care for these babies.

Amen

by Jennifer Torres Alcántara